Kyle Keefe

Text Me with a Picture

It’s just easier isn’t it? If I don’t want to give the effort of talking with you, I will text you. If I’m angry and don’t want the verbal abuse from the other side of the conversation, I will text you. If I’m bored, sad, on the golf course, waiting at a red light, laying on the couch, drinking wine or walking in the park, I will text you. However, do you really know what I mean when I text you?

 

When someone says “LOL”, are they really laughing out loud, falling off their chair in hysterics? If someone texts you and says “call me”, does that mean right now? Is there something really wrong? Or do they just want to chit-chat? What if you text someone a long message and they respond with a one word answer? Does that mean they don’t like you and they are still trying to figure out why they gave you their number in the first place? Do you text them back? How many texts is too many? What about those texts you get from random numbers, the people you don’t have in your address book, how are you supposed to respond to it? If, 303-555-5555 texts me and says, “Hey dude, call me…LOL”, how am I supposed to feel about that? I’ll tell you. Scared. Who is this guy or girl? Do I like them? When did I meet them? What do they want, and what’s so funny?

 

I think every text should come with a picture. If you are angry, you should send a picture of your red face about to fall off your shoulders. If you are laughing hysterically, I want to see your body laying in the dirt with a chair on top of your head. If you are going to be late, I want a picture of where you are. If you are a stranger, I want you to send me your full name, and a list of everyone you know. You see, it might be the easiest thing in the world to text someone, but it also can be the worst thing to do to someone. Try this: send a random text to a brand new number and say this, “Wow that was crazy 2 weeks ago…you need to call me to discuss..ASAP!” I guarantee you will send that person into a complete tailspin. They will spend the next 3 hours going on the internet to try and reverse number your text message. Then they will show your text to 13 people in the office and dissect every word you said. Then they will search their calendar to see what they were doing 2 weeks ago. Oh and by the way, you will never get a text back, you will just ruin someone’s day. LOL….really.

Bracket Busting

For as long as I can remember, I have filled out a NCAA March Madness Bracket.  I’ve yet to win. Actually, I’m almost positive, I’ve never even been close.  Does this make me stupid?  Actually, it’s quite the contrary, I believe it makes me smarter than the guy who ends up winning it.  Here’s why:

If you are in a pool with 300 other knuckleheads at $10 a pop, someone is going to walk away with a nice little payday.  Normally, you know about twenty-percent of the people in that pool, and for all intents and purposes, you are just trying to finish above them, so they are the brunt of the joke at the next “beer meeting.”  Historically, the person to win the bracket madness is someone like “Carol” or “the intern from the creative department”, or worse, “Jane from Accounting”…(not that there’s anything wrong with the name Jane….but accounting? Really?)

My point is this: if you are an average Joe like myself, you fill out 2 brackets.  One bracket you pick the clear favorite(s) to win in the first 3 rounds, and make your move in the Elite 8 so that you can beat the rest of the competition.  This year I have Kansas beating Ohio State in the Finals.  I know, I really went out on a limb there.  However, in my 2^nd bracket I put my daughters’ name on it, and picked like a drunk throwing darts at balloons at the carnival to win a Def Leppard poster.  This way, if I am completely out of it on Thursday night, they can all make fun of an 11-month old girl, which ironically is a 38-year old genius completing his dream of one day being the ultimate champion…she of course, will take all the blame if the trick fails.  She has Kansas beating Uconn in the finals.

So why does this make me more of a bracket-guru than the person who wins the whole thing?  It doesn’t.  But it will, if Quincy can bring home the bacon.

 

10 Things From Me To You…

10. If you lend somebody $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

9. Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

8. If you think you watch too much television, you probably do.

7. If you think you are the funniest person in the room, you probably aren’t.

6. When things aren’t going your way, try going outside and forcing yourself to laugh. I bet you end up laughing.

5. If you end up having to put your dog to sleep, she’s probably in a better place anyway. (Love you Maddie)

4. Every time you have an extra dollar, put it in your kid’s piggy bank. You’ll thank yourself later.

3. Kiss your wife and tell her you love her. And mean it.

2. If there is a song on the radio that you like, roll down all your windows, turn up the volume and sing out loud.

1. Take 5 minutes every day for yourself, and thank the One, who gave you the last 5 minutes.

The Real Oscars

It’s always nice to see the rich and famous get together and pat each other on the back.  They hand each other bags full of expensive gifts…eat the best food, wear the best clothes, and honor one another for making millions at the box office.  It really is very sweet.  Well, it makes me sick.

Let me tell you who should be getting some acknowledgement for what they did in 2010.

5. Jack Links Beef Jerky - Thank you Big Foot.  Thank you for knocking over that golf cart, (I’ve watched it in super-slo-mo over and over again...it really happened) and for kicking that guy 73 feet from the fire pit, and for smashing every single human being you come in contact with.  I believe you are real.

4. iPad’s and Angry Birds - Thank you Apple.  You just made every boring Sunday afternoon an absolute pleasure.  Now instead of having to get off the couch and walk ALL THE WAY over to the computer, (3 feet way) all I have to do is open up my little magical pad to get to my Angry Birds.  Now, if I could just figure out how to beat Level 216...

3. Beefy Crunch Burrito - Thank you Taco Bell.  Thank you for the perfect amount of crunch and squish with every bite.  The sound of fritos, beans, and  nacho cheese drowns out the sound of my pant buttons hitting my windshield.  Maybe the best food ever created.

2. Charlie Bit Me - Thank you Charlie, for biting your brother.  Thank you “older brother”, for having the funniest little British cartoon-like accent.  And thank you for keeping your finger in his mouth so that the excruciating pain could be seen by millions on the internet for 2 minutes.  You’re a star.

1. Seinfeld - Thank you Jerry.  Thank you George, Elaine and Kramer…and yes, Newwwwwman.  Thank you for coming on every night at 10 and 10:30 so that I can make my brain stop turning after 15 hours at the office.  Thank you for the “Marine Biologist”, for “Man Hands”, “The Soup Nazi”, “The Contest”, “The Tape Recorder”, “The Magic Loogie”, “The Jerk Store”, “Kram-America”, and for “Serenity Now”.  You get the point...yada yada yada...